Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
