I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
This beer is not sobering me up at all
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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