i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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