Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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