Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
