Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
