I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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