I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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