All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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