Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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