that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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