I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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