Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Someone came in the potted fern
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
