i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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