the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
