i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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