glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
