I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
