I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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