Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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