woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
