I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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