Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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