I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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