The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
