My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
