I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
