His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
