I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
