mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
