I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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