What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
