im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
