First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
