party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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