I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
