"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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