Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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