oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
