i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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