Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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