im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
