Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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