I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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