Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
