I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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