i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
