when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
