One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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