my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
