wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
