He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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