FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
