I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
