I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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