Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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