you guys were way drunker than both of me
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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