I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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