i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
