Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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