I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Houston, we have a squirter
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Randomize
