wrigley field is MILF paradise
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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